One of the hardest things I have always found about being bipolar is the changing of episodes. It's always great to go from the depressive end of things to the manic side, but not so great to go from mania to depression.
On the one hand, when you're depressed and becoming manic you feel like life is finally letting up on you. Like your soul, your energy, your very being has suddenly returned to your body and you no longer have a need for food, sleep or rational thought. Being manic, at least in the start of an episode has always been a great feeling. Perhaps that's why so many diagnosed with bipolar syndrome go off medications and stop listening to our health care teams during this time, we never want the good feelings to end. But end they do. And, at least for me, that's always been a crash.
Crashing can be the worst feeling in the world. You're going from being manic, feeling like everything in life is wonderful. You've got enough energy to last forever. You don't need sleep, or to eat or to do any of those normal things that get in the way of living. Till suddenly, you crash out one night, after maybe not sleeping for a week, and wake up unable to function.
The alarm clock is ringing loudly in your ears. Screaming at you that it's time to get up and you just don't care. You bury your head under the blanket, throw the clock and just wish the world would leave you alone. You sleep for the next day and still wake up feeling like you never slept at all. The energy of just a few days ago is gone, completely sapped from your body. Every part of you aches and is tired. You want to bite the head off the next person that says good morning to you or looks at you the wrong way. You simply wish you were at home in bed, forever.
The worst part is, the crash is never the worst part of it. The crash just feels crappier than any of it because it comes so closely behind such a high wonderful time in your life, such an up moment, week, or month. The crash is just the start because the more you look back on how good you felt, the worse you feel. The more you have to cope with fixing anything you did while in a manic state, the worse you feel. Simply put, as the days go by, the worse you feel.
Mania I always miss when it says goodbye. I simply wish I could say goodbye to depression forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment