Sunday, December 15, 2013

Mania! Manic! Have I Gone Crazy?!

Being in a manic state can make you feel a little crazy. Heck it can make you feel a lot crazy. And to others it can also make you look crazy. But is it really a state of crazy? Or is it simply a state where your body, mind and soul are at odds.

For me when I am in a manic state it feels as though my mind is in a constant state of turmoil. Like it cannot decide which direction it really wants to face and it keeps spinning around and round till I fall dizzy and exhausted. It's like my mind is running a marathon when all I really want to do is walk to the corner store. I am trying to focus on one small thing, one small task and my mind goes crazy with plans on how to own a store instead of walking to the one I want to go to.

And then when I think I have it all worked out and am finally able to get my mind focused on the task at hand, that walk to the store it decides I need to walk in a zig-zag all the way there instead of the normal fashion that makes sense and would get me from A-B without any issues and strange looks. But of course no matter how much I want to or try to fight it I end up stumbling, racing out the door erratically, towards the store. My mind and emotions simply seem to go off the deep end, and the erratic side of me wins out. The side of me completely out of character seems to win (even if I don't want her to.)

Of course not every moment of mania is like this, but for the most part it sure is how it feels. Erratic, racing thoughts. That horrible inability to focus, or better yet that crazy drive the pushes you like a mad man on a mission towards some crazy end goal you never would've in a million years pursed had it not been for the mania.

Manic, yes. Crazy, I suppose. Either way it's a rather normal factor of my life (and that of others with the affliction of being bipolar) I have learned to live with. Simply coping and realizing some days nothing I "think" I want to do is going to get done. And knowing other days I will get amazing things accomplished I never in a normal state would have realized I would have wanted to do.

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